It has been a very long time since I was a member of opendiary.com or kept some type of journal, not counting sites like Myspace, Facebook, and Google+, which honestly don’t exactly count in my opinion. I created a new opendiary account after not using the site for many years, and not five days later they announced their permanent shutdown after 15 years. I then tried Tumblr, which I really did not like. So this post has been moved to a third site, wordpress. Fingers crossed this is where I can call home.
A long time ago I lost a job because of my opendiary. I was one of the first people in this country to lose a job due to an online social networking account, but you won’t find any news articles about me or the incident. To give you some idea of the time frame, I became a member of opendiary the first time in late 2000 or early 2001. This experience taught me that there are some things that I simply could not allow to be public, and I ended up censoring myself. Not much, but enough that I had returned with the goal of keeping a private, public, anonymous journal again (which is now being moved to wordpress from tumblr). As confusing as that might sound, anonymity is not an option on sites like Facebook and Google+, at least not for me. In many ways it’s a communication tool for faraway friends and family, and a semi-professional photographer’s business, feedback, and display tool.
I love and cherish many of the people I know on Facebook and Google+, both from my “real life” and online life. A few of them I met on opendiary many, many years ago, have spent much of my time outside of the computer with, and they’ve become family. But here I have the option to be truly anonymous, involve no one from my life, and be bluntly honest and receive feedback. There are some things that you simply cannot share with people you know. Dark thoughts, personal analyses, questions about the people around you, and angry or mean or sad or intense or loving or <fill in the blank> thoughts about the people in your life or yourself. Often the best way to deal with those thoughts are to work through them, and this is a fantastic forum for that.
The only problem with beginning a blog like this yet again is how to be transparently honest, yet keep myself from easily being discovered by anyone I might know. Do I have to rename myself and everyone in my life? Can I maintain that falsehood in the hopes of anonymous honesty? Must I rename my city, my state, my employer (when I have one, I’m currently unemployed after a layoff and a comfortable house-girlfriend with my partner’s approval), my pets, and everything else? How to achieve this goal is something I struggled with the first time I was on opendiary, but I had failed from the start in that my best friend introduced me to the site and I immediately had a connection to those in my everyday life. Anonymity was impossible.
Although what I will write here is not a fiction, should I think of maintaining it that way to assist in keeping myself anonymous? I’m at a loss. If anyone that reads this has any suggestions, I welcome them.
There are many reasons I’m here, but some of the main ones include: a family member’s suicide that is difficult to discuss and explore the consequences of, my ageing parents, the almost ten year difference between my boyfriend and I (and I’m the older one) which is not terribly important to us, but makes things occur to me that I sometimes cannot mention (and need to work out how to or simply have a place to say them), my obsessions and addictions, my health and “disability(ies),” the fact that almost every one of my friends are hundreds, if not thousands of miles away, across oceans and countries in some cases, my horribly messed up family and origins, the close, almost twin sibling-like relationship I have with my mother and the dark, horrible fear I have of losing her someday and what the consequences will be for me, and many other things.
The question is will I figure out how to use this tool in the way I want, meet the goals I have set for myself in using it, and continue to use it successfully. I hope I will keep coming back. If my past use of opendiary is any indication, I will. That site became somewhat of an obsession for me. Then again, that was a decade ago and I’m not the same person I was. Yet in many ways I still am. I suppose for now I will simply say “to be continued.”
Note: This was my first entry which was taken directly from the new account I had started on opendiary.com, was then moved to Tumblr, and now to wordpress. I have tried to ensure I’ve modified the entry so that it makes sense here on wordpress, but if I missed something that refers to this site as something I used to use, please know that that reference is to opendiary.com (and not to Tumblr either).